Life is a funny thing when you think about it. By the time you have even the slightest fucking clue what’s going on, you’re old and wrinkled and you have a plastic tube whacked up your urethra so you can piss without getting out of bed. By the time you understand your job, you’re almost terminally bored of it. By the time you understand the opposite sex, you’re unable to have it. And by the time you know what you want to do with your short and arguably pointless time on earth, it’s already too late and you are pigeonholed into whatever unsatisfying trudge of an existence your foolish inexperienced, youthful, hormone-fuddled brain directed you too after your dreams of being an astronaught or a movie star or a famous author (what? don’t fucking judge me!) keeled over with a audible ‘fwomp!’, like a fat hamster eating slug death.
It’s weird though. For every bile filled proclamation of hate I utter in the general direction of the undeniably wrong aspects of society, you know, like the London tube network or chavs being allowed to reproduce rather than being shot in the streets, or Smallville, something special jumps up and slaps me soundly about the chops with the salmon of inscrutable awesome. I may not fully understand it, but by god, it makes me glad to be alive.
Something like this happened to me today when I got an email. This was an email of epic awesome. This was an email so brilliantly constructed it made my heart rate increase and my pupils dilate. I may even have peed a little. Allow me to clarify. There are several things I absolutely hate about emails and this one had none of them. It single-handedly restored my faith in both women and humanity, but that’s a story for another time.
However, it got me thinking, how many of you actually know what you are doing wrong? So since it gives me an excuse to rant like a bastard, here is ‘Nihil’s guide to not writing emails like a fuckwit’
1) Your ‘urgent’ email isn’t.
Allow me to explain for the more retarded among you what actually constitutes urgent. When your house is aflame and you have seconds before your own skin starts sloughing from your bones and taking on the majority of the characteristics of a piece of overcooked bacon, it could be said that you have an ‘urgent’ requirement for the fire brigade to intervene. (Check me out with my resisting the temptation to make a ‘man with a large helmet joke’). Similarly, if you are about to be devoured by say, an angry hippopotamus, it could be said that you are in urgent need of some assistance. It doesn’t have to be life and death. A major contract being on the brink of collapse and somebody emailing you for a crucial piece of information to save it would also be legitimately urgent. What is NOT urgent however is usually the stuff that you, YES YOU!, mark as being exactly that.
I kid you not when I say that the other day I received an email marked with an angry red exclamation mark demanding that I update my car parking details in the company system as a matter of urgency. Yeah. Or the brilliant case of another college of mine who felt the need to boast that he had sent an email to facilities, again marked as top priority, letting them know one of the arms had fallen of his chair. Who in the name of Jesus flaming Christ thinks THAT should be marked as urgent? So the arm fell of your chair did it? Well here is a newsflash for you: NOBODY CARES! That’s not even worthy of a ‘low importance’ flag you utter wangmunch. Take the arm, yes the one that fell so dramatically from your idiot-perch, and insert it directly up your backside. Then you can legitimately send an email to the company medical officer marked ‘urgent’ telling them all about it. And whilst you are at it, mail it to the rest of us so that we can have all have a giggle.
I’m honestly tempted to get a rubber stamp with a giant exclamation mark on it, to dip it in red ink, and then to hunt down every single bellend who uses the urgent button without due cause so I can smack them squarely between the eyes with it. You know who you are, so sort it out!
2) ‘Text speak’, pointlessly abbreviated words and generally sloppy grammar is not acceptable in a civilised society.
Hope everything is going well mate.
Hop evrythng is going wll m8.
Anything, and I do mean anything, that resembles the latter rather than the former is ejected from my inbox so fast it could outpace an Israeli artillery round descending into a Palestinian classroom for leper children. I don’t care if it’s from the fucking CEO. To not take even the slightest care over what you write, to not proof read it or check that things are spelled correctly and that the grammatical syntax isn’t at least vaguely correct and readable is the verbal equivalent of rape. I’m serious. Sending someone an email (and god forbid, someone you actually give a toss about or somebody important) that reads like a bitch is basically the equivalent of marching into their house, punching their significant other in the chops, smashing all their crockery, sticking a firecracker down their toilet and shitting on their kids. It shows an utter lack of respect towards the other involved party. For Christ sake people, you went to school for a reason!
3) Funny emails aren’t.
Oh god how I loathe ‘funny’ emails. It’s mostly men who send them, the majority of women possessing a grain of common sense and all. What I want to know is, who in their right mind sits there, day in day out, writing this shite and flinging it into the clambering arms of the desk bound proletariat? What sort of pond scum thinks ANYONE is interested in ‘the ten funniest things to do during a meeting!’ or ‘check this out!!! it’s a cat that looks like Harry Potter!!11’
And who the fuck do you think you are sending them? Unless you wrote it, don’t bother. Eddie Izzard is possibly the funniest man alive but you don’t see him marching up on stage, declaring himself hilarious, and then spewing out some nonsensical bullshit harvested from the murkiest corners of the internet do you? And if Eddie Izzard doesn’t think it’s big or cleaver then you shouldn’t either! You aren’t funny. I’m sorry to lay it on the line there champ, but that’s life. Some people are born tall, some are skinny, some will go bald at twenty six and some are born fucking hilarious and gifted with a magnificent wang but we can’t all be me.
Stick to photocopying your own arse and trying to hit on that bird from HR with the massive bazoombas. She’s probably never going to fuck you, she’s too busy fantasizing about me after all, but you never know. Get her tanked at the Christmas party and she might let you ride the train to tuna town. Just for god’s sake stop picking up pissweak material from other people’s inboxes and then forwarding it to everyone you know in the vein hopes that they will all fall off their chairs laughing and be filled with endless admiration for your comic genius. We won’t.
4) Learn to use a spell checker you lazy prick
5) The computer box doesn’t likee sendee big attachments! Only send wittle ones okey?
Were you, for some bizarre and totally arbitrary reason, to send somebody a letter about a steam train, would you, or would you not, attach said vapour-driven locomotive to the letter before posting it? The answer for those of you who are struggling, is ‘no’. So if you wouldn’t do it in the real world for the love of god will you please stop doing it in the virtual one! You cannot just fling whatever you like into that little attachment line and expect everything to work! And my computer does not want your oversized and irrelevant piles of digital crap clogging it up and my mailbox is going to choke like a pharyngoesophageal constriction sufferer trying to deepthrought a banana. If you are going to attach something, make sure it’s relevant, concise and absolutely necessary. Otherwise kindly take a running jump off the nearest bridge.